5 Harmful Marriage Intimacy Myths

Most of us recognize that intimacy in marriage is important, and we come into marriage with some thoughts about it.  Unfortunately, some of our presuppositions about intimacy are not as healthy or as helpful as we may believe.  So, before we discuss what intimacy is and establish a framework, let's examine some commonly held myths about intimacy.  These are just a few. I'm sure you could list many more, but these are my top 6.

Myth #1: Intimacy is a Constant Value.

This myth says that once achieved, intimacy levels remain constant or unchanged.  The influence of this belief is subtle and dangerous.  Though not as dangerous as in the marriage relationship, this belief may be seen in that one friend who assumes your friendship can pick up where it left off despite not having seen you in twenty years since high school. In marriage, the belief that intimacy remains the same is not something we would readily admit, yet we still expect it.  We see this in the married couple who has done nothing to invest in their marriage in years yet are suddenly surprised when one of them "falls out of love" or looks up and feels as though they no longer know their spouse. In truth, intimacy is always experiencing energy loss, so to speak, and requires input to be maintained.

What that means is that if left alone, without any input, intimacy will naturally decrease.  That's the nature of intimacy.  It's like a wind-up toy car. No matter how tightly you wind it, it will eventually run out of momentum.  Intimacy can be built up, but that energy is fleeting.

The moment you return from that date night or from your vacation, which you and your spouse badly needed, intimacy begins to fade.  The intimacy "high" of the date, of that concentrated time and effort, does not last long.  Unfortunately, when we believe this myth, and then discover the heightened level of intimacy to be fast fading, we may experience a sense of disappointment, as though something is wrong.

If that's you, I encourage you to consider the toy car I mentioned earlier.  What counsel would you give a child who, upon taking this toy car, winding it up tightly, and letting go, became discouraged when the car eventually ran out of steam?  Wouldn't you try to educate him on the nature of wind-up cars, and encourage him that if he wanted to see the car in continual motion, to put forth the effort of winding it up again? In some sense, if your marriage is experiencing a decrease in intimacy, know that it isn't broken.  You may not have put sufficient effort into maintaining intimacy at the level it once was. If you know what works for your marriage, be encouraged. Just wind it up and watch it go!

Myth #2: Conflict Always Decreases Intimacy

This myth suggests that conflict inevitably leads to a decrease in marriage intimacy.   It supposes that if I disagree with you, we can't be intimate.  A belief like this fundamentally misunderstands intimacy.  It conflates intimacy with agreeability.   Intimacy is mutually exclusive from agreeability or having similar interests or beliefs.  What this means is that your ability to be intimate with your spouse is not dependent on whether or not you agree on things.  What we can know is that agreeability can facilitate the development of intimacy.   Am I saying that conflict doesn't matter?  No! What matters is how you handle conflict.

Conflict in itself doesn't necessarily decrease intimacy.   If handled successfully, each party continues to feel safe and remains willingly vulnerable.   Please take note of those two things, which have some significance that we'll explore a little bit later.   If you're not feeling safe and willing to be vulnerable, likely, you're not handling conflict successfully.   The point is that handling conflict successfully allows you to experience your spouse in a way that increases intimacy.   What's important to remember is that if you and your spouse can avoid giving meaning to every conflict and increase your marriage intimacy despite them, this will actually, in turn, improve the way you handle conflict.

Myth #3: Intimacy has an On-off Switch.

You may have picked up this resource to help you turn your marriage around.  Perhaps you are going through it with the help of a biblical counselor.  I applaud the decision and pray for your commitment.  That decision will need to be managed over time since intimacy is something that takes time to cultivate.  I am not intending to throw cold water on your excitement, but rather to temper it with the realization that there is no on-off switch that will immediately activate intimacy in your marriage.

The truth is that while specific actions have varying degrees of impact on intimacy (I.e, you're reading this book), there are very few "and suddenlies" when it comes to intimacy in marriage.   If you're experiencing a sudden change in your marriage, it only feels sudden because you've probably missed some critical context clues.  Something has been happening, and you've just missed it; it has gone over your head.  The reality is that intimacy tends to decrease or increase gradually.

Again, there are very few "and suddenlies." Infidelity typically doesn't occur due to a sudden set of events but rather a slow fade.   It may shock one party, but more often than not, the other party has been aware of the drifting apart for some time.  Married couples don't become distant and disconnected "roommates" without warning.   Similarly, recovery of marital intimacy will require sustained effort over time and, as per Myth #1, receive constant "winding up" to experience lifelong momentum.

Myth #4: Intimacy Occurs Naturally

According to this myth, intimacy requires no intentional effort.  This incorrect belief is that two parties in proximity become intimate, attracting each other naturally, like magnets.   This just isn't true. As previously expressed, one can be in the same house with their spouse and not experience intimacy.   The fact that you are reading this book probably means that you recognize proximity to be insufficient.  Intimacy will not naturally develop as a factor of time.   Thus, trying to remedy your intimacy problem by just  "giving it time"won't work.   It requires intentionality.

Don't confuse sexual arousal with intimacy. An immediate physical attraction is not intimacy.  Perhaps more husbands may need to realize that while sexual intimacy is a positive sign, there is a chance that their wife still experiences a lack of intimacy in the marriage.  It's not just any activity, it's the right activities.

Myth #5: Intimacy Depends on One Factor

Often, for one reason or another, we begin to believe that intimacy in our marriage hinges on a single factor, erroneously viewing it as being at the mercy of a single issue.  This may be due to some deep offense that has become an emotional roadblock, or maybe it's an issue that has been repeatedly addressed. Now, you or your spouse believes it needs to be conclusively resolved before you can be intimate. For whatever reason,  when this happens, we become blind to everything else - including the things that positively contribute to the health of our marriage and intimacy. We become so consumed with this one issue that it's all we can see.  Typically, this issue is something that we wish our spouse would do differently, and not something that we can do.  It sounds like, "If she would just...." or "If he would only...." The intimacy in our marriage is held hostage due to the belief that we can't experience true intimacy unless this one issue is healed.

The truth is that deep intimacy is the culmination of many factors. Sure, that one thing may be contributing negatively, but intimacy is a summary emotion. Intimacy is a representation of the overall way you feel toward your spouse. This should give you hope.

If we avoid this "Zero Sum" (all-or-nothing) thinking, we appreciate the reality that we can experience intimacy with our spouse even if they never address a particular annoyance.  While this one issue persists, you and your spouse can celebrate and find encouragement in the other areas that are working well. If you do that, you can still experience intimacy while taking the long view on resolving this area of frustration.

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